L C McCarthy

I was in the pub (for a change?) getting outside a pint of ‘Tarts Temple’ when I clocked ‘Circular’ Chris at the bar. He was showing off his suntan, which was more like an intense crimson with his pale skin and Titian locks. You’ll probably find the shade on one of the paint companies colour charts under Scottish Tan.

He got his name, not from his body shape, or even when he worked for the post office, but from his head. I suppose ‘Moony’ or something planetary related would have fitted and he was called ‘Tefal’ -i.e. a frying pan – for a while, but they’re also known for other kitchen stuff, and it just wasn’t right. Panface was suggested but it didn’t alliterate, which is very desirable in British humour, and was far too direct. That kind of comedy is best left to the Germans.

‘Alright Circy (Surky), been on holiday?’

Turned out he’d been to the Maldives, all inclusive with his other half.

‘Yeh, Saved up a hod of money this year. Sally hasn’t spent much either, so as a reward….’

‘You’ve been out and about though? I’ve seen you and Sal in here loads of times.’

‘Ah. Got your phone handy? I’ll show you why.’ Pulling his own phone out he sent me the email he’d sent to Evri….

‘So Circy , they won’t deliver to you?

‘I get made up delivery attempt emails but that’s just mugging their system off.’

‘It pisses you off though?’

‘No,’ he laughed. ‘Thing is I can still get whatever I want as other companies are actually exploiting the situation. So I ordered something the other day, and under the ‘special delivery’ and ‘express courier’ free options, which are secret codenames for Evri – which also tells a story, mugging people off, although only one time, hopefully – was a DPD option for a couple of quid extra. Well worth it, no worries, no gamble whether it comes or not, proper updates rather than half-assed disappearing trails, and above all respect for the customer.’

‘Bit pointless though, sending that letter. Their customer service, and I use that term very loosely, will just dismiss you’

‘Yep, Of course they will. But it made me laugh. Fancy a pint?’

Images (bar those in the public domain) and Article Copyright © 2026 by L.C McCarthy

This is a work of fiction.